Staying Close, While Letting Go

Staying Close, While Letting Go
How to parent our college students and our grown-up “kids”

By Virginia Vagt

We want to do both, don’t we?

Yes.  We want to let go and let our children grow up.  And we want to stay close.

No matter our philosophy of family life, parenting young children and teens looks different than parenting college students and eventually, grown-ups.

But what does it look like?

For a Moody Magazine article in 2003, I wrote about the college transition process. For that article many parents and their college students shared their stories.

One reason I wrote the article was to begin to learn myself how to make this transition.  It helped when our turn came.  As we drove away from our college student all those ‘Where did the years go?” feelings still came flooding in.   Yet somewhere in there we had a gladness of heart.

When a baby is born there’s an undescribable joy as we get to know a new life.  Scary feelings too, for sure!  What’s going to happen?  Who can tell?  Babies don’t come with guarantees.  And when the time comes for a child to go. . .either across the street, down the aisle, or off to college orientation there’s a gladness and joy within the child and for parents, as well.

It’s normal for new parents to ask other parents how to live with no sleep and how to parent a toddler.  It’s also helpful to hear from wise and loving families about these down-the-road transitions and pathways.

In a nutshell, here’s the wisdom we gained from others:  When kids go off to college, or other pursuits, becoming parents of grown kids is a process.  We continue to be their parents. We continue to love them and they us.  But what we do changes.  How does it change?  That’s a discovery process that happens family by family.  It’s the next adventure of parenting.  And just like all the earlier parenting adventures you wouldn’t want to miss it!

Carolyn and Frank have three grown children.  Their fourth is in high school.  As they drove away from their first child at her college orientation, they struggled.   It wasn’t easy.  Along with much joy for their daughter, sad feelings about the separation also snuck in.

According to Carolyn and Frank as the months and years unfolded they also discovered good things.  New joys came to them as the transition and new ways of communication took shape.

“Entrusting Sara to God when we could see her everyday was a lot easier. But the process of entrusting her to God during college helped our own faith grow. Then it surprised us that she became increasingly eager to talk with us.” Said Frank and Carolyn.

Reflecting back daughter Sara said she had felt excited and ready for college.  Saying goodbye to her parents that day was not super-emotional.  But after a month she realized the reality of being so far away from family and friends.

“I began to see that it takes a long time to become truly known by people; I felt lonely. What I didn’t have was anyone at college who knew me well.” Sara said.

So she sought out those who knew her best.  Sara began to e-mail her dad and call her mom, often several times a week.

During that first year Frank and Carolyn took their cues from their daughter about how much she wanted to communicate.

“We wanted to be available to Sara, but not smother her, ” said Carolyn.

Their sensitive support bolstered their daughter. With her parents’ long-distance support Sara says she made it through a challenging freshman year.

“Our communication during my transition propelled us into a deep, meaningful friendship.  The last three years of college became quite wonderful.  Even then, my parents and I continued to talk and I continued to process life with them.”

Sara and her parents are not unique. Whether a student is commuting to school or living away from home the parent-child transition can lead to deeper connections for everyone.

College counselors offer us these observations.

Phone calls and even snail-mail letters.
“When they call home they want to hear your voice. The sound of your voice and your encouragement is reassuring. It helps them feel steady again. In addition to e-mail, we encourage parents to send physical mail. I see students opening mail from home – they devour every word. The handwriting is familiar. It’s writing they’ve known all their lives. A letter gives them a boost.”  D. Rodgers, Admissions Counselor, Wheaton College Conservatory of Music.

What does encouragement sound like?
“Students can get easily discouraged, and parents are great encouragers.  When parents ask students what they are learning, and not about their grades, it helps them see the big picture and why they are in college.” B. Thompson, Assistant Dean of Student Transitions, Moody Bible Institute

Dads and communication.
“When our oldest child went to college it gave me a whole new perspective on parents and students. I realized, more personally, how much students need the love and support of their parents, regardless of how far they go away, even if they are commuting to school.  When my daughter went to school I made a commitment to write her a letter every week.  In each letter I included a $10 bill, and three other things: a word of encouragement, a reminder to her that her mother and I loved her, and I would tell her a little information about our family and friends at home. I ended each letter with Matthew 6:33, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be given unto you as well.” a college vice-president for student development, retired

“One time I had 15 projects due. Maybe not that many, but it felt like it!  He told me, in his letter, that the Lord would sustain me and that I’d make it through.  Things in college can seem so traumatic and stressful. His encouragement helped me focus and see a much greater goal.”  His daughter.

Parental love and support can go a long way toward helping our kids make a successful transition to college and to adulthood.  While the parent-child relationship transitions – it doesn’t end.

“I found that one of the things my parents were best at during my college years was being sensitive about when to give me space and when to call and pursue me. “ Said Sara. “Now that I’m out of college, it seems we both pursue each other. We pray for each other as friends do.”

The college years and the grown up years create more parenting and faith adventures for all of us.  They are opportunities. During these years we learn to trust God in new ways, bless and love our children in new ways, and we are loved by them in new and good ways.

Blessings to you and your family as you find your transition and your path.

Copyright © 2010 Virginia Vagt
Sections of this article first appeared in Moody Magazine, July-August, 2003.